They Walk Among Us….

Millionaire Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever

NEW YORK – Idaho  resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular  TV show, ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.’

It seems that Evans, a  32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and  proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing ‘the absolute worst use of  lifelines ever.’

After being introduced to the show’s host Meredith Vieira,  Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an  extremely easy $100 question. The question was: ‘Which of the following is the largest?’

A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who  you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not  readily know the answer.

‘Hmm, oh boy, that’s a toughie,’ said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. ‘I mean, I’m sure  I’ve heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.‘

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was  bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

‘Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!‘ exclaimed Evans.. ‘Darn. I think I better phone a friend.‘

Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs.  Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office  assistant.

‘Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I’m on TV!‘ said Evans,  wasting the first seven seconds of her call. ‘Ok, I got an important question.  Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15  seconds hun.‘
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans  proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

‘Come on Betsy, are you sure?‘ said Evans. ‘How sure are you? Duh, that can’t be  it.‘

To everyone’s astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend’s advice and pick ‘The Moon.‘

‘I just don’t know if I can trust Betsy. She’s not all that bright. So I think I’d like to ask the audience,‘  said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98%  in favor of answer C, ‘The Moon.’ Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then  made the dumbest choice of her life.

‘Wow, seems like everybody is against what I’m thinking,’ said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. ‘But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let’s see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I’m going to have to go with B, an elephant.  Final answer.‘

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one  waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the  answer was in fact, C, ‘The Moon.‘

Caution…..they walk among us!
—————————————————————————-

This one is actually better! (No  comments needed!)

Caution…..they walk among us!
—————————————————————————-
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.‘ For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.  He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.‘

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***
—————————————————————————–

*One  day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone  shouted….’Look at that dead bird!‘ Someone looked up at the sky and  said…’where?‘

***They walk amongst us!***
—————————————————————————–

While looking at a house, my brother  asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?‘ When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with that  stuff‘

***They walk amongst us!***
—————————————————————————–

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but ‘didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving‘.

***They walk amongst us!***
—————————————————————————–

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it’s designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

***They walk amongst us!***
—————————————————————————–

I was hanging out with a friend  when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My  friend said, ‘Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned her head?‘ I  had to explain that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned…

***They walk amongst us!***
—————————————————————————–

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. ‘Now,‘ she asked me, ‘Has your plane arrived yet?‘….
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They walk amongst us!***
—————————————————————————–

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t  think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

This is expected only from Indian Ladies…

They cannot miss their favorite T.V. Serial even if there is flood, storm, gale or earthquake!!!!

Look at the expression of worry on helpless Husband’s face near the door 😉

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits. Men are like that, you know. 😉

PS: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely norecollection of what to do with them.

If you don’t send this to OLD friends right away there will be fewer people laughing in the world.

—
\\\///
/ \
| \\ // |
( | (.) (.) | )
+——–o00o–(_)–o00o——

————+
|                                                  |
| Life is touched…                         |
| When shared with someone like.. |
| Y thanks for                                |
| O being my                                 |
| U FRIEND !                                 |
|                                                   |
|                           Take care          |
|                                —RAJ          |
+—–ooo0————————————-+
( ) 0ooo
\ ( ( )
\_) ) /
(_/

Funny Matrimonial Ads (Real Fun)

These are ads taken from actual matrimonial sites – guys searching for brides. Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!

Disclaimer : I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this….. 😉

hello….
My name Arthi….. i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily. i expect the good minded and clean habits boy to marry me soon…. who may be in the same caste . If anyone want to Marie to me u
can visit to my home (Ghar Chale aana……..???)

Hello
To Viewers My Name is Shekhar , I am single i don’t have female, I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart…when ever u want to meet pls visit my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Shekhar

I want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (Homework?)

Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. she may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you (The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)

She should be good looking and should have a service. she Should have one brother and one sister. she should be educated. (ain’t it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Because friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i
love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ……..hold my hand forever !!! (The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

I am simple boy.I have lot of problem in my life because of my luck now i am looking one gal she care me and love me lot lot lot (I don’t know why but this is one of my favorites)

My wife should be as ‘Shivani’ as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tanwerr as in KSBKBT…… (Ok I haven’t seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much,ain’t he?)

I want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while stepping out of house she should give respect to our cast (by not wearing her jeans? Wat the hell…)

HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING BOY ,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD
AND CCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE

1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH. (all of us are loughing{laughing})

2. Whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is too like this she would be called the woman of the lamp (I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this boy wants)

I love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love thepatner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok (I am again clueless but I liked the use of “ok”. The person is suffering from “Ok-syndrome”)

HI I AM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V  AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK (the “ok syndrome” again)

I am pran my family history my two brother two sister and Father&mother sister complity marred (somebody please explain in comments section how to get married ‘completely’?)

I am very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. iam doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist. (actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)

My name is muhamad and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes (height of desperation! J )

I want one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she havea frank she’s skin colour ‘normal’not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. but iam not a handsome guy or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good guy. My father already expired . THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye

bye. :-))

Iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred. (No comments)

I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON ‘T HAVE ANY HABIT. (maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)

My colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service (Zebra..???)

I’m looking out for who lives in bombay , girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY. (Now that criterion is a must, isn’t it?)

To be married on jun-2009 working woman perferable (this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride.I wish him best of luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon.)

I would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure. because girl is the maharani. (Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)

ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present. (Any takers again?)

Are you GAY ?? / “Am I Gay?” Self Examination For Men

Here is an different type of Cain Letter. Just look at the 8th point!! 😉

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing
the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay — it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And
just think about how you call a dog… “Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!” Now think about how you call a cat…”Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!” Jeeezus, you’re fit to be
framed, you’re so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and your in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his bathroom; he goes wherever he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will never be heard ordering a “Decaf Soy Latte”. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a “fressier” is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a fag.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut off the jerk. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a burger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker!! Send this out to all the pretty women out there so that they know how to tell if a guy is gay.

Family History!!

A little girl asked her mother:

‘How did the human race appear?’

The mother answered,

‘God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.’

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered,

‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.’

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,

‘Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?’

The mother answered,

‘Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his !!!’

::: MHO ::: Extra Marital affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.

“I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”

“You lying bastard!

You’ve been playing golf!”

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, “Not this time!”

The 3rd Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

“Don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. “The Smith’s bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.”

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

The 4th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. “Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.”

“One Cent?” the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”

“A nickel,” the barman replied.

“A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.”

The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

The bartender replied,

“The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, “I have something I must confess.”

“There’s no need to,” his wife replied.

“No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”

“I know, I know,” she replied. “Now just rest and let the poison work.”

Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 :-)

Dear Tech Support team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the ‘uninstall’ doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
“A Troubled User”

———————————————————-
REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.

I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, weep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 .

Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install GoodLookingSecretary 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support …

Husbands are Husbands……….

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head
with a frying pan. “What was that for?” the man asked.

The wife replied “That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it
that I found in your pants pocket”.

The man then said “When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of
the horse I bet on”

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head
with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife
replied. “Your horse phoned”

One line Humours

• Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
• Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
• Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
• I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.
• A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.
• Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
• Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
• You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
• Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
• Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
• Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
• My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
• Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
• Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
• A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
• You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
• It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
• Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
• Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
• Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
• They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
• Man: Is there any way for long life?
  Dr: Get married.
  Man: Will it help?
  Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
• Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
• Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
  Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
• It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
• There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
• There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it!

PRICELESS WORDS (ITS AWESOME)

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple
of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless,
clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
“Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping.
Love You!”

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there
is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, “Son, what happened last
night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when
you stumbled into the door”. Confused, the man asks, “So, why is everything
in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
I should expect a big quarrel with her!”
His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said,

“LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M MARRIED!”

Moral
Self-induced hangover – $ 400.00
Broken crockery – $ 800.00
Breakfast – $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – “PRICELESS ”

There are truly some things that both money and Mastercard can’t buy 🙂

Funny sayings …

“U love someone
U marry someone else.

The one u marry
becomes ur wife or husband

And the one u loved
becomes the password of ur mail id”

—————

There’s only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.

There’s only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it.

—————

Three dreams of a man:

To be as handsome as his mother thinks.

To be as rich as his child believes.

To have as many women as his wife suspects…

—————

Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is the liver & wife the kidney.

If the liver fails, the kidney fails. If the kidney fails, the liver manages with other kidney.

—————

Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.

—————

What’s the diff between Dava & Daru?

Dava is like a girlfriend, that comes with an expiry date and

Daru is like a wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.

—————

Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?

Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or
wife Be-Gum ho jaati hai.

—————

The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed
it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!

Bottle of Wine.. A must read..

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, “So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days”.

Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you’re still at fault… women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.”

The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

Funny Marriage qotes

1. If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

2. My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

3. My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

4. With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

5. My wife was afraid of the dark…then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

6. I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

7. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

8. My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

9. We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

10. What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Woody Allen on Marriage..

11. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

12. Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

13. In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

14. When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. -Prince Philip

15. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
George Carlin quotes

16. Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
Irwin Corey quotes

17. “Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts”
-Jeff Foxworthy

18. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
-Groucho Marx

19. By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
More funny Socrates quotes

20. “The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” -H.V. Prochnow

21. “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.” -Lyndon B. Johnson

22. “The total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.” -Bertrand Russell

23. “It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” -Robert Frost

24. I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.

25. Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage. William Shakespeare quotes

HER Diary v/s HIS Diary

HER DIARY
——————

Day night, I thought he was acting
weird. We had made plans to meet at a
cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends
all day long, soI
thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late,
but he made no comment.Conversation wasn’t flowing so

I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but

he kept quiet and absent. I asked
him what was wrong – he said,

“Nothing.”I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it
had
nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say,
“I love u,too.”When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.Finally
I
decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided
that I could not take it anymore,

so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen
asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what
to
do. I’m almost sure that his thoughtsare with someone else.

My life is a disaster.
_______________________________

HIS DIARY
==========

Today India lost the cricket match
against bangladesh.

DAMN
IT.

NOW that’s called

Simplicity of Men
Vs
Complexity of Women !!!