1. If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
2. My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
3. My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
4. With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
5. My wife was afraid of the dark…then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
6. I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
7. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
8. My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
9. We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
10. What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Woody Allen on Marriage..
11. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
12. Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
13. In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
14. When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. -Prince Philip
15. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
George Carlin quotes
16. Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
Irwin Corey quotes
17. “Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts”
18. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
19. By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
More funny Socrates quotes
20. “The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” -H.V. Prochnow
21. “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.” -Lyndon B. Johnson
22. “The total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.” -Bertrand Russell
23. “It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” -Robert Frost
24. I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.
25. Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage. William Shakespeare quotes