Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 :-)

Dear Tech Support team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the ‘uninstall’ doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
“A Troubled User”

———————————————————-
REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.

I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, weep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 .

Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install GoodLookingSecretary 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support …

Old Rooster – Don’t mess with the OLD FARTS

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,'
'OK old fart, time for you to retire. The old rooster replies, 'Come
on,
surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens? Look what it has done to
me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking
over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around
the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.

'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I
will
give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse
and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind
the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in
his
usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer
grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The
farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....third gay rooster I
bought this month.'

Moral of this story? 

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always 
overcome youth and arrogance!

ANISH DHUME’S CHAIN LETTER

This is another mail by Anish… The mail contains offensive language. I have filtered some.. but still viewer discretion advised 🙂

ANISH DHUME’S CHAIN LETTER

Hello, my name is Anish and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50
billion f@#king chain letters sent to me by people who actually
believe if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Scotland with
a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have
it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak
show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you,
and everyone to whom you send “his” email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll
get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
sodomize me for not continuing a chain letter that was started by

St Peter in 5AD and later taken to the US of A by midget pilgrim

stowaways on the Endeavour

F@#k ’em!!

If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing.

I’ve seen all the “send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this
poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a
nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times.

I don’t f@#king care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually
contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it’s our
own unpopularity.
The point being?

If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless
or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it’s funny, send it on.

Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in
Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead
elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per
letter he’ll receive if you forward this email.
Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow
morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume
your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Anish Dhume…
P.S:
Send me 15 bucks and then fuck off
If you find this to be an act of plagiarism,then again F@#K OFF!

A Different Sardar

A Sardarji and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue,and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The Sardarji explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the maninsists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the Sardarji, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
“But we didn’t use them”, the Sardarji complains.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says..

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” sardarji complains again .
“Well, we have them, and you could have”, the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the sardarji replies “But we didn’t use it”
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the Sardarji finally gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when the looks at the check. “But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for $1.00?”
“That’s right,” says the sardarji, “I charged you $349 for sleeping with my wife.”
“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager. “Well,” the Sardarji replies, “she was here, and you could have.”

Husbands are Husbands……….

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head
with a frying pan. “What was that for?” the man asked.

The wife replied “That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it
that I found in your pants pocket”.

The man then said “When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of
the horse I bet on”

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head
with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife
replied. “Your horse phoned”

One line Humours

• Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
• Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
• Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
• I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.
• A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.
• Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
• Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
• You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
• Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
• Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
• Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
• My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
• Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
• Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
• A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
• You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
• It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
• Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
• Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
• Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
• They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
• Man: Is there any way for long life?
  Dr: Get married.
  Man: Will it help?
  Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
• Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
• Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
  Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
• It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
• There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
• There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it!

Time to laugh [Disorder in the American Courts]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Enjoy 😉

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He s aid, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: You’re kidding me, right!?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, is that correct?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shitt’in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?