Swearing At Work

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course

of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She’s a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You’ve got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It’s not my f____ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING:
That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won’t work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:

Read the rest of this entry »

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Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T)

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from
employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through
our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying
to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you
get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take
D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING
(E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t
have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in job training others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can
apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Six Phases of a Project

Mentioned below are 6 stages in a project life cycle.. How True!!

1) Enthusiasm

2) Disillusionment

3) Panic

4) Search for the guilty

5) Punishment of the innocent

6) Praise and honours for non-participants

Selecting New Employees

Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks -Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them – Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks – Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order – Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other – Put them in construction.

If they are sleeping – Put them in reception

If they have broken the bricks into pieces – Put them in IT.

If they are sitting idle – Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved – Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day – Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window – Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved –

Congratulate them and put them in management !!!

Real life Dilbert – type Managers

A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert Quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the Top Ten finalists:

1. “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”

2. “What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.”

3. “E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.”

4. “This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”

5. “Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”

6. “No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.”

7. “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.”

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.”

9. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.”

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!”

Best Out of Office Auto Replies

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless mails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will
be deleted in the order it was received.

4: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7: I’ve run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE PRIZE:

8: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘ Margaret ‘ instead of ‘Steve’.

Vaccancies

Bullshitter (3 month contract)
——————————
Bullshitter required. You will have at least three years experience of doing jobs for which you have no skill or aptitude, ideally in a Unix environment. Skills to include bullshit, ideally to politician level, and waffle in a technical capacity. Arse-covering skills will be an advantage. CBE (Certified Bullshit Engineer) qualification essential.

Liar (6 month contract)
———————–
You will be working for a prestigious, high-profile company. You must be able to claim a degree with first-class honours, preferably from Oxford or Cambridge, and own a car which (although impressive) does not actually exist. You will also be required to make up stories or explanations on the hop, so experience of police work will be considered favourably.

Ties and/or certificates are provided to add convincing “colour” to the successful applicant’s statements.

Unix Guru (Rolling one month requirement)
—————————————–
Candidates must have at least three of the following qualities: (1) a stupid and unusual hairstyle with goatie beard (2) fashion taste which stopped somewhere in the mid-60’s, (3) a lifestyle quite unlike anyone else, or (4) a habit of wearing sandals with or without socks. The ideal applicant will also have a Californian accent. Unix experience not essential, but some keyboard skills may be useful.

Inexperienced timewaster wanted – urgent contract.
————————————————–
Candidates (under 21 years of age) must be able to fill out at least six pages of a C.V. with claims of experience and knowledge totalling a minimum of 150 years. In addition, they must also be able to claim involvement with hobbies which nobody in their right mind could possibly fit into a lifestyle which included, for example, sleeping or eating. The successful applicant will have no real skills in any category whatsoever, but candidates will be considered providing they do not know anything about C++ programming or Project Management.

Destruct testers required. (3 month contract, extendable to 6 months)
———————————————————————
Clumsy, careless oafs of a naturally foolish nature must demonstrate their ineptitude with several, briefly-held, positions. The successful candidate will be asked to break something during the interview, preferably in a way which the interviewer will never have thought possible or remotely likely.

E-commerce consultants. (3 hours, extendable to 12 years)
———————————————————
Experience in e-commerce not required. The successful applicant will have no experience of any of the following: commerce, computers, the internet, good taste. A lack of design skills and a fixation with style over content will also be important. You should have current experience in gross over-charging and hoodwinking scrupulous clients. You will work with a bunch of other opinionated irritating w*nkers, constructing a series of web-pages with as many ‘broken links’ and loose ends as time and money allow.

Scapegoats. (One month contract with bonus on completion.)
———————————————————-
Conscientious and hardworking individual. Experienced in customer support and maintenance, you will have several demonstrable skills which can be used to show why the interviewers were right to employ you, coupled with a complete lack of awareness regarding arse-covering.

You will work with a close-knit team of temporary contractors and will travel from project to project tasked with the job of tidying up the loose ends to ensure customer acceptance and satisfaction.


Timewasters, timewasters, timewasters.

————————————–
Six timewasters are required for an urgent contract in the Far-East of Scotland, to start immediately. Skills must include six months coffee machine, three months photocopying and general administration and a minimum of one year “between assignments”.


Unskilled slapheads required for six month contract.

—————————————————-
Must have own suit (preferably brown). Own desk, and hatstands is provided for suitable applicants. Lazy good-for-nothing with multiple chronic illnesses sought to assist busy, interfering manager. Must be idle and shiftless. A bad memory and/or dyslexia will be advantageous.

Noxious beancounter required.
—————————–
Must interfere constantly and construct meaningless lists of serial numbers and other pointless documentation. Numeracy/Literacy not a requirement, but an interest in train spotting is essential.