Funny Commercials Part 2

Outrageously Funny Commercials

Hi, Came across this extremely funny video on You Tube. Enjoy~~

Swearing At Work

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course

of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She’s a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You’ve got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It’s not my f____ing problem.

TRY SAYING:
That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won’t work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:

Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T)

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from
employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through
our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying
to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you
get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take
D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING
(E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t
have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in job training others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can
apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Six Phases of a Project

Mentioned below are 6 stages in a project life cycle.. How True!!

1) Enthusiasm

2) Disillusionment

3) Panic

4) Search for the guilty

5) Punishment of the innocent

6) Praise and honours for non-participants

Selecting New Employees

Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks -Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them – Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks – Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order – Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other – Put them in construction.

If they are sleeping – Put them in reception

If they have broken the bricks into pieces – Put them in IT.

If they are sitting idle – Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved – Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day – Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window – Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved -

Congratulate them and put them in management !!!

California ‘UFO’ Pictures Create Online Buzz

Hi all.. Found an interesting article on Digg abt some UFO spotted in California..

Could the quiet seaside town of Capitola end up challenging Roswell, N.M., as the country’s capital for extraterrestrials? The city 90 minutes south of San Francisco is getting national attention after pictures of a strange flying object surface on the Web.

read more

An Extremely Compelling “LOST” Theory

Hello Guys & Gurlz..

I f you are an LOST fan and would like to read abt an compelling theory on the storyline of LOST, I strongly recommend reading the following article.

P.S. It might act as an Spoiler to your LOST theories

This guy may actually have it all figured out.

Read more

Homer on Work!

Homer: I’m no supervising technician, I’m a technical supervisor.

Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I’m proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.

Homer: Marge, I can’t wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I’m not popular enough to be different…

Marge: I’m not sure about the people Bart’s working for. I think they’re criminals.
Homer: A job’s a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.

Homer: Yeah, you know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Homer: If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing!

Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You’ll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dog with bees in their mouths, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead. Do your worst.

Homer: Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

Homer: If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.

Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare to live out the American dream?

Homer: [reading screen] “To Start Press Any Key”. Where’s the ANY key? I see Esk ["ESC"], Catarl ["CTRL"], and Pig-Up ["PGUP"]. There doesn’t seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I’ll order a TAB. [presses TAB key]

Homer: Lisa, if you don’t like your job, you don’t strike: you just go in every day and do it really half assed. That’s the American way.

Bart: Dad, wake up. [Homer was sleeping at nuclear plant.]
Homer: I’m awake. I’m awake. I’m protected member of the team. You can’t fire me, I quit! Please, I have a family.

Homer: You heard me, I won’t be in for the rest of the week. … I told you! My baby beat me up! … No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up. …

Homer: I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Real life Dilbert – type Managers

A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert Quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the Top Ten finalists:

1. “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”

2. “What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.”

3. “E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.”

4. “This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”

5. “Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”

6. “No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.”

7. “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.”

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.”

9. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.”

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!”

The Bad News Just Gets worse…

At dawn the telephone rings. “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod that your parrot died.

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Yes, Senor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.” “What did he die from?”

“From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor”

“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”

“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell??….Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!

“Yes Senor Rod.”

“But there’s electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”

“WHAT BLO ##**& ODY FUNERAL??”

“Your wife’s, Senor Rod… She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods’ Nike Driver.”

SILENCE……………… ,

LONG SILENCE….

“Ernesto if you broke that driver, you’re in deep s#$t!”

Read this… cool one

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shopwindow.For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said:

“Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared me!”.The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied,

“Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my 1stday as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years.

Letter of Recommendation

While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.

Branch Manager

A second note following the report:

Mr. X was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, etc… for my true assessment of him.

Regards,

Branch Manager

Best Out of Office Auto Replies

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless mails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will
be deleted in the order it was received.

4: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7: I’ve run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE PRIZE:

8: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘ Margaret ‘ instead of ‘Steve’.

CV Quotes

These are taken from real CVs and cover letters and were printed in the July 21,1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.. Enjoy!!

1. “I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.”

2. “I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.”

3. “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”

4. “Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.”

5. “Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”

6. “Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”

7. “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”

8. “Let’s meet , so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”

9. “You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.”

10. “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”

11. “I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”

12. “Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.”

13. “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”

14. “I am loyal to my employer at all costs…Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”

15. “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.”

16. “My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

17. “I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.”

18. “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”

19. “As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.”

20. “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”

21. “Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”

22. “Marital status: often. Children: various.”

23. “Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn’t work under those conditions.”

24. “The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.”

25. “Finished eighth in my class of ten.”

26. “References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”